Growing little by little

   I have been dreading taking a pregnancy test for three weeks. I hate seeing that negative sign come up. It feels like I have failed. This morning I caved and took one, partly, because I needed to know and, partly, because I am ready to try something else if my past medications haven't worked. It was negative. I knew it probably would be despite the exhaustion and nausea. Something in my heart told me that the medication wouldn't work.
   The weird thing was this time I was okay with it. I wasn't happy. I want a baby more than anything, but I was ok. I didn't cry and I wasn't devastated. It meant that I was free to try something else. I know that I may never have the family I want. I also know that any day could be the day that I get those two lines on the home pregnancy test. Right now, I am not pregnant. So the best thing I can do is focus on what I am. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a teacher. Those things need my attention. My chiropractor is a very wise man. He said something that I have heard hundreds of times but in a different way. My PCOS is aggravated by stress. Dr. K said that once I accept the role that God has given me right now, as a wife, a sister, a friend, that my body will allow me to get pregnant. The good news is, I think, my reaction another negative test is a sign that I am getting to that point. I have begun seeing the bright side to the negative tests. It means I have more time to spend with my husband. It means I have more time to prepare financially for a family. It has to be a good sign right?
   I refuse to give up though. I'm too stubborn for that. I am now starting a combination of herbs that have been shown to help regulate cycles on women with PCOS. My chiropractor recommended it and I am praying that it helps. For now, that is all I can do. I will love my husband, the kids I encounter through my job, and the children of our friends. I will never stop praying for children. I will never stop trying. I can't; I will wait on the Lord and trust in his timing like Hannah. (1 Samuel) His timing is perfect and always will be.
  

True Love

   A few days ago, my oldest sister, Cori, married the love of her life. I have been a little hesitant of this marriage. It is not personal. I have just always felt like no one would ever be good enough for either of my sisters. That being said, I think Ward, Cori's new husband, is pretty close. Cori is six years older than I am and has watched both of her younger sisters get married before her. I know this was hard and love and respect her more than anything.
    I am still scared but mostly, I am scared I might lose the close relationship that I had with her. Almost four years ago, my middle sister Kimberly married her husband Andrew and they moved ten hours away. I have been assured that Cori is going no where. However, I would be lying if I said that the memory of Kimberly leaving didn't play a part in my feelings about Cori and Ward. I start "What if"ing. What if Cori moves away? What if things don't work the way Cori hopes they will? What if things do? What if Cori doesn't need me anymore?
   I was nervous about Cori getting married up until the doors opened at the back of the church. Once those doors opened, I knew everything would be OK. I don't think there was a dry eye in the whole place. Cori was beautiful and Ward couldn't take his eyes off of her. While writing this I am getting teary. My sister is one of the most special people in my life and I am so glad she has found someone who makes her glow. Ultimately, God has brought someone into my sister's life who will love and cherish her like I have always wanted her to be loved. God has once again proven that when I back off and let him control all situations, they work out. It is not always in the timing that we want or in the ways we imagine, but they do work. Isn't my Lord amazing? He loves my sister more than I do and has taken care of her like I never could. Praise God from whom all blessing flow and may Cori and Ward have a long and blessed marriage.