Growing little by little

   I have been dreading taking a pregnancy test for three weeks. I hate seeing that negative sign come up. It feels like I have failed. This morning I caved and took one, partly, because I needed to know and, partly, because I am ready to try something else if my past medications haven't worked. It was negative. I knew it probably would be despite the exhaustion and nausea. Something in my heart told me that the medication wouldn't work.
   The weird thing was this time I was okay with it. I wasn't happy. I want a baby more than anything, but I was ok. I didn't cry and I wasn't devastated. It meant that I was free to try something else. I know that I may never have the family I want. I also know that any day could be the day that I get those two lines on the home pregnancy test. Right now, I am not pregnant. So the best thing I can do is focus on what I am. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a teacher. Those things need my attention. My chiropractor is a very wise man. He said something that I have heard hundreds of times but in a different way. My PCOS is aggravated by stress. Dr. K said that once I accept the role that God has given me right now, as a wife, a sister, a friend, that my body will allow me to get pregnant. The good news is, I think, my reaction another negative test is a sign that I am getting to that point. I have begun seeing the bright side to the negative tests. It means I have more time to spend with my husband. It means I have more time to prepare financially for a family. It has to be a good sign right?
   I refuse to give up though. I'm too stubborn for that. I am now starting a combination of herbs that have been shown to help regulate cycles on women with PCOS. My chiropractor recommended it and I am praying that it helps. For now, that is all I can do. I will love my husband, the kids I encounter through my job, and the children of our friends. I will never stop praying for children. I will never stop trying. I can't; I will wait on the Lord and trust in his timing like Hannah. (1 Samuel) His timing is perfect and always will be.