I was reading an amazing book the other night by Lori Wick (an amazing Christian Fiction writer) called The Princess. I have read this book multiple times but haven't read it in a while. There is one section where the female lead says something along the lines of "That's when I realized that worrying is a sin. Worrying is like saying 'I don't trust you with this, God'." At first that made me really angry. I have an anxiety disorder and OCD. How can I be blamed for that? And then I started to think about the difference between depression and a pity party. A lot of people think that depression is just feeling sad. Not true. The only way I can think to explain it is as a physical reaction to external/internal circumstances. Just like there is a difference between depression and sadness, there is a difference between anxiety and worrying.
Anxiety, like depression, is a physical reaction. It is heart racing, palms sweating, and high blood-pressure. Worrying is allowing yourself to spend thoughts and energy on something you can't control. That is when I realized that I have been using my anxiety and OCD as an excuse to worry. I don't trust God with the things I worry about. That is not ok.
I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself and everyone around me that although I may not be perfect, I am pretty darn close. I look around and say at least I don't do this and this or at least I haven't done that. The truth is I am a sinner. I sin on a regular business and it is not ok for me to over look that or make excuses.
It is time for me to make a conscious effort to put a stop to my judgemental attitude and not trusting God with those really important things. I also need to apologize for not being the Christian woman that I should be. Hopefully, things will get better and I will see a positive change myself. Maybe I will start blooming like the flowers in my garden.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thinking about the past
In the midst of my anxiety, depression, OCD, and fertility problems, I find these rare moments of clarity. I had one of these the other night. I was laying in bed reading while my husband slept beside me. All of a sudden I started thinking about how I met Chris and how it had not been my plan.
The first time I met him (well, not the first time because I don't actually remember the FIRST time) was on our way to Memphis TN for a mission trip. It was with the Church of Christ Student Center at WTAMU. Chris had actually already graduated and came back because his best friend was going to do some electrical work on the mission trip. I was originally really excited to go, but then I found out that of the few close friends I had, none of them were going. The week before the trip I called my mom to tell her I didn't think I wanted to go. She talked me into it, saying I would have fun and it would be good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I really like my comfort zone but decided maybe she was right. (She usually is)
So I went on this mission trip to a place without anyone who really knew me. On top of that my boyfriend at the time (my high school sweetheart) was also on a mission trip to an Indian Reservation, so I couldn't talk to him. I was dreading this trip. I showed up at the Student Center early in the morning and there was this tall guy hanging around. The first thing I noticed was his striking blue eyes. Everyone seemed to know him except me. I found out that he was a math teacher at Brownfield TX. I was curious but nothing more. He rode on my bus and we listened to his music. The second thing I noticed was he actually listened to good music. He and some of his friends, including the driver, jammed out the whole way to Memphis and I actually didn't mind.
When we got to Memphis, we had two projects: a renovation on a church building and a Vacation Bible School for the inner city kids. Chris and I had both originally signed up to work with the VBS. The first day I was put with a group of students working on memory verses. Chris was a leader in the group and helped them get from station to station. We were serving lunch after VBS when Chris walked up to me. "What are you majoring in?" he asked. I told him that I had actually just changed my major from broadcasting to education. "Good.You are going to be good at it." The way he said it sent a warm feeling up my back.
I decided then that I didn't like him. Who was he to think I needed his approval on anything much less my career choice? Sure he was cute but I was not single and he obviously knew how good looking he was. This thought was further confirmed when I caught him and Matt, his best friend, teasing me about being bubbly and eager to please. I decided they were both jerks and I didn't need anything to do with them.
I laugh thinking about it now. I think about how angry I was with my future husband and his best friends. (I now know that his friends would do anything for us and I am so glad that Chris has them) Eight months later Chris and I got engaged. I am so glad I went on that mission trip. I knew God was going to do something amazing but I never imagined he would bring me the love of my life. Beautiful things happen when you let God take control.
The first time I met him (well, not the first time because I don't actually remember the FIRST time) was on our way to Memphis TN for a mission trip. It was with the Church of Christ Student Center at WTAMU. Chris had actually already graduated and came back because his best friend was going to do some electrical work on the mission trip. I was originally really excited to go, but then I found out that of the few close friends I had, none of them were going. The week before the trip I called my mom to tell her I didn't think I wanted to go. She talked me into it, saying I would have fun and it would be good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I really like my comfort zone but decided maybe she was right. (She usually is)
So I went on this mission trip to a place without anyone who really knew me. On top of that my boyfriend at the time (my high school sweetheart) was also on a mission trip to an Indian Reservation, so I couldn't talk to him. I was dreading this trip. I showed up at the Student Center early in the morning and there was this tall guy hanging around. The first thing I noticed was his striking blue eyes. Everyone seemed to know him except me. I found out that he was a math teacher at Brownfield TX. I was curious but nothing more. He rode on my bus and we listened to his music. The second thing I noticed was he actually listened to good music. He and some of his friends, including the driver, jammed out the whole way to Memphis and I actually didn't mind.
When we got to Memphis, we had two projects: a renovation on a church building and a Vacation Bible School for the inner city kids. Chris and I had both originally signed up to work with the VBS. The first day I was put with a group of students working on memory verses. Chris was a leader in the group and helped them get from station to station. We were serving lunch after VBS when Chris walked up to me. "What are you majoring in?" he asked. I told him that I had actually just changed my major from broadcasting to education. "Good.You are going to be good at it." The way he said it sent a warm feeling up my back.
I decided then that I didn't like him. Who was he to think I needed his approval on anything much less my career choice? Sure he was cute but I was not single and he obviously knew how good looking he was. This thought was further confirmed when I caught him and Matt, his best friend, teasing me about being bubbly and eager to please. I decided they were both jerks and I didn't need anything to do with them.
I laugh thinking about it now. I think about how angry I was with my future husband and his best friends. (I now know that his friends would do anything for us and I am so glad that Chris has them) Eight months later Chris and I got engaged. I am so glad I went on that mission trip. I knew God was going to do something amazing but I never imagined he would bring me the love of my life. Beautiful things happen when you let God take control.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Fears and uncertainty
For those of you who didn't know, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. This means that my body produces too much testosterone. This leads to cysts on my ovaries among other symptoms. It also makes it really hard to get pregnant. For my whole life, all I have ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. My husband and I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant for almost a year. I have undergone numerous tests and am fixing to start a second round of progesterone/clomid. If this cycle doesn't work, I had either two choices; I could go throught the fertility clinic at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office or I could try to use alternative treatment including herbal remedies and chiropractic care. I have decided to go with the second option since it makes more financial sense.
My biggest fear is that when people find out that I am having to seek fertility treatments, they will say that this is a sign from God that I am not meant to have children. Believe it or not, it has happened multiple times. It is always devistating. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will be a mom. I know the statistics. Trust me, I have done tons of research. The problem is, so far, I have been in the minority of all of these stats. Only ten percent of the population has PCOS. Out of those eighty percent end up with children. So my question is: What if I am part of that twenty percent?
God is in control. I am not, but I would really like to be in control. I recently substituted at an alternative high school and heard stories of students who had miscarried two or three times because of drugs and were pregnant again. Why? I would protect my child as if my life depended on it. These girls are young. It is so difficult for them because they are just children themselves. Many times they don't have a great support system or the financial capabilities to take care of a baby. I do. So why can't I get pregant?
My chiropractor thinks it is due to stress and maybe he is right. He says that the young kids in the back of a car and the poverty stricken families don't have as much social, occupational, and educational pressure. I have prayed so many times for this child and still am infertile. The only comfort I have found is with my husband and in the stories from the bible. You know, Rachael, Hannah, and Elizabeth. I pray for the miracles that God has shown are possible for me too. I guess I will not know until it happens. I was telling my sister that it is like when women are looking for "the one" and get frustrated. But in reality, every person they date will not be "the one" until one is "the one". Every month I will see a negative pregnancy test until one month I don't. Until then, God is still in control.
My biggest fear is that when people find out that I am having to seek fertility treatments, they will say that this is a sign from God that I am not meant to have children. Believe it or not, it has happened multiple times. It is always devistating. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will be a mom. I know the statistics. Trust me, I have done tons of research. The problem is, so far, I have been in the minority of all of these stats. Only ten percent of the population has PCOS. Out of those eighty percent end up with children. So my question is: What if I am part of that twenty percent?
God is in control. I am not, but I would really like to be in control. I recently substituted at an alternative high school and heard stories of students who had miscarried two or three times because of drugs and were pregnant again. Why? I would protect my child as if my life depended on it. These girls are young. It is so difficult for them because they are just children themselves. Many times they don't have a great support system or the financial capabilities to take care of a baby. I do. So why can't I get pregant?
My chiropractor thinks it is due to stress and maybe he is right. He says that the young kids in the back of a car and the poverty stricken families don't have as much social, occupational, and educational pressure. I have prayed so many times for this child and still am infertile. The only comfort I have found is with my husband and in the stories from the bible. You know, Rachael, Hannah, and Elizabeth. I pray for the miracles that God has shown are possible for me too. I guess I will not know until it happens. I was telling my sister that it is like when women are looking for "the one" and get frustrated. But in reality, every person they date will not be "the one" until one is "the one". Every month I will see a negative pregnancy test until one month I don't. Until then, God is still in control.
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