For those of you who didn't know, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. This means that my body produces too much testosterone. This leads to cysts on my ovaries among other symptoms. It also makes it really hard to get pregnant. For my whole life, all I have ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. My husband and I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant for almost a year. I have undergone numerous tests and am fixing to start a second round of progesterone/clomid. If this cycle doesn't work, I had either two choices; I could go throught the fertility clinic at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office or I could try to use alternative treatment including herbal remedies and chiropractic care. I have decided to go with the second option since it makes more financial sense.
My biggest fear is that when people find out that I am having to seek fertility treatments, they will say that this is a sign from God that I am not meant to have children. Believe it or not, it has happened multiple times. It is always devistating. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will be a mom. I know the statistics. Trust me, I have done tons of research. The problem is, so far, I have been in the minority of all of these stats. Only ten percent of the population has PCOS. Out of those eighty percent end up with children. So my question is: What if I am part of that twenty percent?
God is in control. I am not, but I would really like to be in control. I recently substituted at an alternative high school and heard stories of students who had miscarried two or three times because of drugs and were pregnant again. Why? I would protect my child as if my life depended on it. These girls are young. It is so difficult for them because they are just children themselves. Many times they don't have a great support system or the financial capabilities to take care of a baby. I do. So why can't I get pregant?
My chiropractor thinks it is due to stress and maybe he is right. He says that the young kids in the back of a car and the poverty stricken families don't have as much social, occupational, and educational pressure. I have prayed so many times for this child and still am infertile. The only comfort I have found is with my husband and in the stories from the bible. You know, Rachael, Hannah, and Elizabeth. I pray for the miracles that God has shown are possible for me too. I guess I will not know until it happens. I was telling my sister that it is like when women are looking for "the one" and get frustrated. But in reality, every person they date will not be "the one" until one is "the one". Every month I will see a negative pregnancy test until one month I don't. Until then, God is still in control.
I read this blog, and in so many ways, it brings back so many of the same memories I have had. It doesn't seem fair that every person who is not capable of raising a child, can have 10 of them. It is not fair that children, yes children, are getting pregnant; far to young for the responsibilities. It is not fair that drug addicts and prostitutes can become pregnant. I remember feeling all of these thoughts. I really do hurt for you guys, because I can relate (to an extent) of what you are going through. Contol, or the lack of, really is key. When we officially started trying for a baby, I told Jeremy I didn't care when we got pregnant, as long as it wasn't in the month of December. I thought having a baby in December, along with Christmas, would be the worst! By the end of our trying, I was pleading for a December baby. I didn't care what month or when a baby came, I just wanted one to come! It is funny how God works. I pray that you are not part of that 20%, and that in God's great timing, you too will become pregnant with a great gift. If you are part of that 20%, please never forget, that we are here for you. We will support you guys 100%, and know that whenever the day comes that you become parents, you will be great ones. We love you guys. Keep your head up. Regardless of how a baby gets in your arms, you will one day be a mom. Love you.
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