I have been dreading taking a pregnancy test for three weeks. I hate seeing that negative sign come up. It feels like I have failed. This morning I caved and took one, partly, because I needed to know and, partly, because I am ready to try something else if my past medications haven't worked. It was negative. I knew it probably would be despite the exhaustion and nausea. Something in my heart told me that the medication wouldn't work.
The weird thing was this time I was okay with it. I wasn't happy. I want a baby more than anything, but I was ok. I didn't cry and I wasn't devastated. It meant that I was free to try something else. I know that I may never have the family I want. I also know that any day could be the day that I get those two lines on the home pregnancy test. Right now, I am not pregnant. So the best thing I can do is focus on what I am. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a teacher. Those things need my attention. My chiropractor is a very wise man. He said something that I have heard hundreds of times but in a different way. My PCOS is aggravated by stress. Dr. K said that once I accept the role that God has given me right now, as a wife, a sister, a friend, that my body will allow me to get pregnant. The good news is, I think, my reaction another negative test is a sign that I am getting to that point. I have begun seeing the bright side to the negative tests. It means I have more time to spend with my husband. It means I have more time to prepare financially for a family. It has to be a good sign right?
I refuse to give up though. I'm too stubborn for that. I am now starting a combination of herbs that have been shown to help regulate cycles on women with PCOS. My chiropractor recommended it and I am praying that it helps. For now, that is all I can do. I will love my husband, the kids I encounter through my job, and the children of our friends. I will never stop praying for children. I will never stop trying. I can't; I will wait on the Lord and trust in his timing like Hannah. (1 Samuel) His timing is perfect and always will be.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
True Love
A few days ago, my oldest sister, Cori, married the love of her life. I have been a little hesitant of this marriage. It is not personal. I have just always felt like no one would ever be good enough for either of my sisters. That being said, I think Ward, Cori's new husband, is pretty close. Cori is six years older than I am and has watched both of her younger sisters get married before her. I know this was hard and love and respect her more than anything.
I am still scared but mostly, I am scared I might lose the close relationship that I had with her. Almost four years ago, my middle sister Kimberly married her husband Andrew and they moved ten hours away. I have been assured that Cori is going no where. However, I would be lying if I said that the memory of Kimberly leaving didn't play a part in my feelings about Cori and Ward. I start "What if"ing. What if Cori moves away? What if things don't work the way Cori hopes they will? What if things do? What if Cori doesn't need me anymore?
I was nervous about Cori getting married up until the doors opened at the back of the church. Once those doors opened, I knew everything would be OK. I don't think there was a dry eye in the whole place. Cori was beautiful and Ward couldn't take his eyes off of her. While writing this I am getting teary. My sister is one of the most special people in my life and I am so glad she has found someone who makes her glow. Ultimately, God has brought someone into my sister's life who will love and cherish her like I have always wanted her to be loved. God has once again proven that when I back off and let him control all situations, they work out. It is not always in the timing that we want or in the ways we imagine, but they do work. Isn't my Lord amazing? He loves my sister more than I do and has taken care of her like I never could. Praise God from whom all blessing flow and may Cori and Ward have a long and blessed marriage.
I am still scared but mostly, I am scared I might lose the close relationship that I had with her. Almost four years ago, my middle sister Kimberly married her husband Andrew and they moved ten hours away. I have been assured that Cori is going no where. However, I would be lying if I said that the memory of Kimberly leaving didn't play a part in my feelings about Cori and Ward. I start "What if"ing. What if Cori moves away? What if things don't work the way Cori hopes they will? What if things do? What if Cori doesn't need me anymore?
I was nervous about Cori getting married up until the doors opened at the back of the church. Once those doors opened, I knew everything would be OK. I don't think there was a dry eye in the whole place. Cori was beautiful and Ward couldn't take his eyes off of her. While writing this I am getting teary. My sister is one of the most special people in my life and I am so glad she has found someone who makes her glow. Ultimately, God has brought someone into my sister's life who will love and cherish her like I have always wanted her to be loved. God has once again proven that when I back off and let him control all situations, they work out. It is not always in the timing that we want or in the ways we imagine, but they do work. Isn't my Lord amazing? He loves my sister more than I do and has taken care of her like I never could. Praise God from whom all blessing flow and may Cori and Ward have a long and blessed marriage.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Confession
I was reading an amazing book the other night by Lori Wick (an amazing Christian Fiction writer) called The Princess. I have read this book multiple times but haven't read it in a while. There is one section where the female lead says something along the lines of "That's when I realized that worrying is a sin. Worrying is like saying 'I don't trust you with this, God'." At first that made me really angry. I have an anxiety disorder and OCD. How can I be blamed for that? And then I started to think about the difference between depression and a pity party. A lot of people think that depression is just feeling sad. Not true. The only way I can think to explain it is as a physical reaction to external/internal circumstances. Just like there is a difference between depression and sadness, there is a difference between anxiety and worrying.
Anxiety, like depression, is a physical reaction. It is heart racing, palms sweating, and high blood-pressure. Worrying is allowing yourself to spend thoughts and energy on something you can't control. That is when I realized that I have been using my anxiety and OCD as an excuse to worry. I don't trust God with the things I worry about. That is not ok.
I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself and everyone around me that although I may not be perfect, I am pretty darn close. I look around and say at least I don't do this and this or at least I haven't done that. The truth is I am a sinner. I sin on a regular business and it is not ok for me to over look that or make excuses.
It is time for me to make a conscious effort to put a stop to my judgemental attitude and not trusting God with those really important things. I also need to apologize for not being the Christian woman that I should be. Hopefully, things will get better and I will see a positive change myself. Maybe I will start blooming like the flowers in my garden.
Anxiety, like depression, is a physical reaction. It is heart racing, palms sweating, and high blood-pressure. Worrying is allowing yourself to spend thoughts and energy on something you can't control. That is when I realized that I have been using my anxiety and OCD as an excuse to worry. I don't trust God with the things I worry about. That is not ok.
I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself and everyone around me that although I may not be perfect, I am pretty darn close. I look around and say at least I don't do this and this or at least I haven't done that. The truth is I am a sinner. I sin on a regular business and it is not ok for me to over look that or make excuses.
It is time for me to make a conscious effort to put a stop to my judgemental attitude and not trusting God with those really important things. I also need to apologize for not being the Christian woman that I should be. Hopefully, things will get better and I will see a positive change myself. Maybe I will start blooming like the flowers in my garden.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thinking about the past
In the midst of my anxiety, depression, OCD, and fertility problems, I find these rare moments of clarity. I had one of these the other night. I was laying in bed reading while my husband slept beside me. All of a sudden I started thinking about how I met Chris and how it had not been my plan.
The first time I met him (well, not the first time because I don't actually remember the FIRST time) was on our way to Memphis TN for a mission trip. It was with the Church of Christ Student Center at WTAMU. Chris had actually already graduated and came back because his best friend was going to do some electrical work on the mission trip. I was originally really excited to go, but then I found out that of the few close friends I had, none of them were going. The week before the trip I called my mom to tell her I didn't think I wanted to go. She talked me into it, saying I would have fun and it would be good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I really like my comfort zone but decided maybe she was right. (She usually is)
So I went on this mission trip to a place without anyone who really knew me. On top of that my boyfriend at the time (my high school sweetheart) was also on a mission trip to an Indian Reservation, so I couldn't talk to him. I was dreading this trip. I showed up at the Student Center early in the morning and there was this tall guy hanging around. The first thing I noticed was his striking blue eyes. Everyone seemed to know him except me. I found out that he was a math teacher at Brownfield TX. I was curious but nothing more. He rode on my bus and we listened to his music. The second thing I noticed was he actually listened to good music. He and some of his friends, including the driver, jammed out the whole way to Memphis and I actually didn't mind.
When we got to Memphis, we had two projects: a renovation on a church building and a Vacation Bible School for the inner city kids. Chris and I had both originally signed up to work with the VBS. The first day I was put with a group of students working on memory verses. Chris was a leader in the group and helped them get from station to station. We were serving lunch after VBS when Chris walked up to me. "What are you majoring in?" he asked. I told him that I had actually just changed my major from broadcasting to education. "Good.You are going to be good at it." The way he said it sent a warm feeling up my back.
I decided then that I didn't like him. Who was he to think I needed his approval on anything much less my career choice? Sure he was cute but I was not single and he obviously knew how good looking he was. This thought was further confirmed when I caught him and Matt, his best friend, teasing me about being bubbly and eager to please. I decided they were both jerks and I didn't need anything to do with them.
I laugh thinking about it now. I think about how angry I was with my future husband and his best friends. (I now know that his friends would do anything for us and I am so glad that Chris has them) Eight months later Chris and I got engaged. I am so glad I went on that mission trip. I knew God was going to do something amazing but I never imagined he would bring me the love of my life. Beautiful things happen when you let God take control.
The first time I met him (well, not the first time because I don't actually remember the FIRST time) was on our way to Memphis TN for a mission trip. It was with the Church of Christ Student Center at WTAMU. Chris had actually already graduated and came back because his best friend was going to do some electrical work on the mission trip. I was originally really excited to go, but then I found out that of the few close friends I had, none of them were going. The week before the trip I called my mom to tell her I didn't think I wanted to go. She talked me into it, saying I would have fun and it would be good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I really like my comfort zone but decided maybe she was right. (She usually is)
So I went on this mission trip to a place without anyone who really knew me. On top of that my boyfriend at the time (my high school sweetheart) was also on a mission trip to an Indian Reservation, so I couldn't talk to him. I was dreading this trip. I showed up at the Student Center early in the morning and there was this tall guy hanging around. The first thing I noticed was his striking blue eyes. Everyone seemed to know him except me. I found out that he was a math teacher at Brownfield TX. I was curious but nothing more. He rode on my bus and we listened to his music. The second thing I noticed was he actually listened to good music. He and some of his friends, including the driver, jammed out the whole way to Memphis and I actually didn't mind.
When we got to Memphis, we had two projects: a renovation on a church building and a Vacation Bible School for the inner city kids. Chris and I had both originally signed up to work with the VBS. The first day I was put with a group of students working on memory verses. Chris was a leader in the group and helped them get from station to station. We were serving lunch after VBS when Chris walked up to me. "What are you majoring in?" he asked. I told him that I had actually just changed my major from broadcasting to education. "Good.You are going to be good at it." The way he said it sent a warm feeling up my back.
I decided then that I didn't like him. Who was he to think I needed his approval on anything much less my career choice? Sure he was cute but I was not single and he obviously knew how good looking he was. This thought was further confirmed when I caught him and Matt, his best friend, teasing me about being bubbly and eager to please. I decided they were both jerks and I didn't need anything to do with them.
I laugh thinking about it now. I think about how angry I was with my future husband and his best friends. (I now know that his friends would do anything for us and I am so glad that Chris has them) Eight months later Chris and I got engaged. I am so glad I went on that mission trip. I knew God was going to do something amazing but I never imagined he would bring me the love of my life. Beautiful things happen when you let God take control.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Fears and uncertainty
For those of you who didn't know, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. This means that my body produces too much testosterone. This leads to cysts on my ovaries among other symptoms. It also makes it really hard to get pregnant. For my whole life, all I have ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. My husband and I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant for almost a year. I have undergone numerous tests and am fixing to start a second round of progesterone/clomid. If this cycle doesn't work, I had either two choices; I could go throught the fertility clinic at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office or I could try to use alternative treatment including herbal remedies and chiropractic care. I have decided to go with the second option since it makes more financial sense.
My biggest fear is that when people find out that I am having to seek fertility treatments, they will say that this is a sign from God that I am not meant to have children. Believe it or not, it has happened multiple times. It is always devistating. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will be a mom. I know the statistics. Trust me, I have done tons of research. The problem is, so far, I have been in the minority of all of these stats. Only ten percent of the population has PCOS. Out of those eighty percent end up with children. So my question is: What if I am part of that twenty percent?
God is in control. I am not, but I would really like to be in control. I recently substituted at an alternative high school and heard stories of students who had miscarried two or three times because of drugs and were pregnant again. Why? I would protect my child as if my life depended on it. These girls are young. It is so difficult for them because they are just children themselves. Many times they don't have a great support system or the financial capabilities to take care of a baby. I do. So why can't I get pregant?
My chiropractor thinks it is due to stress and maybe he is right. He says that the young kids in the back of a car and the poverty stricken families don't have as much social, occupational, and educational pressure. I have prayed so many times for this child and still am infertile. The only comfort I have found is with my husband and in the stories from the bible. You know, Rachael, Hannah, and Elizabeth. I pray for the miracles that God has shown are possible for me too. I guess I will not know until it happens. I was telling my sister that it is like when women are looking for "the one" and get frustrated. But in reality, every person they date will not be "the one" until one is "the one". Every month I will see a negative pregnancy test until one month I don't. Until then, God is still in control.
My biggest fear is that when people find out that I am having to seek fertility treatments, they will say that this is a sign from God that I am not meant to have children. Believe it or not, it has happened multiple times. It is always devistating. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will be a mom. I know the statistics. Trust me, I have done tons of research. The problem is, so far, I have been in the minority of all of these stats. Only ten percent of the population has PCOS. Out of those eighty percent end up with children. So my question is: What if I am part of that twenty percent?
God is in control. I am not, but I would really like to be in control. I recently substituted at an alternative high school and heard stories of students who had miscarried two or three times because of drugs and were pregnant again. Why? I would protect my child as if my life depended on it. These girls are young. It is so difficult for them because they are just children themselves. Many times they don't have a great support system or the financial capabilities to take care of a baby. I do. So why can't I get pregant?
My chiropractor thinks it is due to stress and maybe he is right. He says that the young kids in the back of a car and the poverty stricken families don't have as much social, occupational, and educational pressure. I have prayed so many times for this child and still am infertile. The only comfort I have found is with my husband and in the stories from the bible. You know, Rachael, Hannah, and Elizabeth. I pray for the miracles that God has shown are possible for me too. I guess I will not know until it happens. I was telling my sister that it is like when women are looking for "the one" and get frustrated. But in reality, every person they date will not be "the one" until one is "the one". Every month I will see a negative pregnancy test until one month I don't. Until then, God is still in control.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Long and Scary Night
I wasn't expecting to meet any firemen yesterday. I wasn't expecting to be standing outside in the cold at nine at night. I definately wasn't expecting to be so out of control. Last night my husband, Chris, and I were sitting on our couch after supper (Crock pot ranch pork chops. Thank you pinterest) when I started to smell something like gasoline. I asked Chris if he smelled it but he didn't. I think he probably thought I was crazy, but I was definately smelling something. Ten minutes later we heard, "WARNING! CARBON MONOXIDE IS IN THE HOUSE! WARNING!"
Instant panic on my part. We opened the door and I called my cousin, Kirk, who is a volunteer fireman and asked him what to do. He said to call 911. WHAT??? I had never called 911 and was not planning on starting. Aparently, God had other plans. So at 9:30 the fire department came down the street with the lights on. Sorry neighbors. Meanwhile, I was crying in the cold pickup truck while talking to my mom.
Not my best moment but definately a learning one. I was so terrified that I would have to pay to fix the furnace and be homeless for a few days and no one would be home to check on the dogs. *Hyperventilating* I had no idea what was going to happen. All I knew was there were people walking around my not very clean house, touching my things, and I did not sign up for it.
Once again things were not as bad as they seemed at the time. They seldomly are. Turns out there was a little lid on our furnace in the hallway. With the door on, it creates suction which pulls the carbon monoxide and natural gas up out of the house; when that door is not off, like last night, all the bad stuff is pushed into the house. The solution: Put the lid back on. Open up all the windows and doors. Pray that the levels go down and stay down. It worked. Once again everything turned out fine and Chris and I are stronger for it. Was it fun? Of course not. Did it all turn out ok? Of course it did. Another way God helped to remind me that he is in control even when I am not.
*Kaylee*
Instant panic on my part. We opened the door and I called my cousin, Kirk, who is a volunteer fireman and asked him what to do. He said to call 911. WHAT??? I had never called 911 and was not planning on starting. Aparently, God had other plans. So at 9:30 the fire department came down the street with the lights on. Sorry neighbors. Meanwhile, I was crying in the cold pickup truck while talking to my mom.
Not my best moment but definately a learning one. I was so terrified that I would have to pay to fix the furnace and be homeless for a few days and no one would be home to check on the dogs. *Hyperventilating* I had no idea what was going to happen. All I knew was there were people walking around my not very clean house, touching my things, and I did not sign up for it.
Once again things were not as bad as they seemed at the time. They seldomly are. Turns out there was a little lid on our furnace in the hallway. With the door on, it creates suction which pulls the carbon monoxide and natural gas up out of the house; when that door is not off, like last night, all the bad stuff is pushed into the house. The solution: Put the lid back on. Open up all the windows and doors. Pray that the levels go down and stay down. It worked. Once again everything turned out fine and Chris and I are stronger for it. Was it fun? Of course not. Did it all turn out ok? Of course it did. Another way God helped to remind me that he is in control even when I am not.
*Kaylee*
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Controlling the Uncontrollable
Today I took my BTLPT (that is bilingual target language proficiency test for those of you who didn't know *I didn't at first*) My college degree is in bilingual education but I can't actually teach in a Spanish bilingual classroom until after I get certified. That entails passing three different tests. I have passed one. This test has 4 parts and to pass I have to get 80% on each section. There is no way I passed. I think I did well on the listening, reading, and writing parts, but I don't think I did well on the speaking part. Normally, I would be really upset about this, but I am feeling really peaceful actually. I realize that I did what I could do and the rest is up to God.
Last night was a totally different story though. I was still awake at midnight due to my anxiety and OCD. You see, when I get nervous about something it manifests itself in my OCD symptoms, mostly by checking on my three dogs every few minutes obsessively to make sure they haven't gotten out. So guess what I was doing when I should have been sleeping? Worrying and checking. I conciously know that it is silly. My checking on them is just a way that I try to have control over something when I feel out of control, but I do it anyway. That feeling is what gave me the inspiration for this blog. I struggle with remembering that although I am out of control, my God is always in control.
I was reminded of this again as I was leaving the parking lot to go to my testing room. I ran into a man that I know from church. I told him how nervous I was and he took my hand and prayed with me. It was so comforting. I felt closer to God in that moment than I have in months. Hope this lifts you up too.
Out of Control and Loving it for Once
*Kaylee*
Last night was a totally different story though. I was still awake at midnight due to my anxiety and OCD. You see, when I get nervous about something it manifests itself in my OCD symptoms, mostly by checking on my three dogs every few minutes obsessively to make sure they haven't gotten out. So guess what I was doing when I should have been sleeping? Worrying and checking. I conciously know that it is silly. My checking on them is just a way that I try to have control over something when I feel out of control, but I do it anyway. That feeling is what gave me the inspiration for this blog. I struggle with remembering that although I am out of control, my God is always in control.
I was reminded of this again as I was leaving the parking lot to go to my testing room. I ran into a man that I know from church. I told him how nervous I was and he took my hand and prayed with me. It was so comforting. I felt closer to God in that moment than I have in months. Hope this lifts you up too.
Out of Control and Loving it for Once
*Kaylee*
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