Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote on this blog. There is a good reason though. Nothing is really going on in my life. I started my new job and it is as challenging and rewarding as I knew it would be, (my coworkers are kind of amazing) but, otherwise, nothing is new. My husband is still teaching math. All of our friends, it seems, are pregnant or have newborns. We are/do not. The dogs are good. Our families are doing well. Nothing has changed.
I thought I would take this time to share a secret. I LOVE to write: Poetry, short stories, blogs (obviously). Anything I can. I enjoy it almost as much as I enjoy reading. I took a creative writing class in high school and truly fell in love. It was taught by a sweet lady who also taught my senior English class. Some of my classmates are probably reading this and remembering her as "the project queen", but she really helped me to change how I viewed the world. (especially since I was with her for a full 3 hours a day). Now I am trying to start writing again, and, eventually, I want to write a novel, (who doesn't?) but I never know where to start. Actually, that isn't even true. I have a million ideas where to start, the problem is finishing.
You see, this teacher, who helped me fall in love with writing, always told me to just start writing, but the problem is I can't keep writing once I start. I don't know if this is my OCD or my need to be perfect, but I always get in my own way. I start analyzing after two or three pages and can't stop. Unfortunately, this is not conducive to writing anything of a substantial length.
It is really frustrating because I feel like I am a pretty good writer. (which is probably why I like it) I have never been athletic (I once heard someone compare someone with my "skills" as having "the hand eye coordination of a dinosaur") and I have NO artistic talent at all. (I am so jealous of my friends and my sister, Kimberly, who are blessed with this.) Writing really is a great way for me to relax and have a creative outlet.
So now I pose a question to you. What do I do about it? How do I stop myself from critiquing everything that I write? I'm not planning on selling a million novels and movie rights, but I would really like to get back to what I love. It would just be for me and the few people with whom I choose to share it, but I have no idea what to do.
I figure that some of you who read this won't have any ideas and some of you won't care. I'm okay with this. I'm just hoping that a few of you have been in this spot and have some ideas.
Something to think about until next time. <3
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
A New Job and New Perspective
So I know I haven't really written in a little while, but the truth is my mama always told me that if I don't have anything nice to say then I probably shouldn't be talking. I had previously been working at a daycare where they had some pretty questionable practices. Long story short, I couldn't in good conscious keep working there and have since gotten a new job working at a great Christian based preschool as an assistant teacher.
This combined with some movies and books that have recently come out have me questioning how comfortable we have become with all the junk around us. As you may know, my husband, Chris, is the intern with the youth group at our church. On Wednesdays, we split the youth group based on gender. The female intern, Kim, in leading a study on the book "Lies Young Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh. It has some pretty radical opinions that may offend some people, but is backed by research and Bible knowledge. (Keep in mind that this book is the opinion of the two authors and not scripture) Some of these "lies" are things like "God isn't enough" and "Beautiful girls are worth more" which I feel are obvious lies.
However, one of the sections says "I've never been exposed to satanic activities". It delves into what are satanic activities (witchcraft, possessions, demonic activities, contacting the dead, ect.). I think the most important thing for young women to realize is that when we see sin in a good light, it makes us numb to it. It can even start to seem okay, not good, but okay. After all, the world tells us that we have no right to tell others what is wrong or right.
I read a fictional book called "Host" by Stephanie Meyer. It is about aliens taking over the world because they saw how horrible humans treated each other and the world. At one point the humans rise up and try to extract the aliens from their human host bodies, but it goes horribly wrong and the alien self destructs all over the hospital room. Another alien sees the aftermath and is devastated for days on end. Someone comments on how upset she seems until they realize that she has never see anything remotely that horrible. One of the other humans says something along the lines of "Think about it this way. Even if you saw a person in pieces it would be easier. After all, we have at least seen it on movies and games."
This is what I worry about. When we see fake sin and think that it is okay to watch it, we run the risk of seeing real sin and thinking it is okay. From there it is a short jump to actually enjoying "the sin that so easily entangles". It comes down to one thing. We must keep our minds and hearts pure. If it doesn't benefit our marriages, friendships, and, most importantly, our relationships with our Lord. We don't need to participate in it. It may be harsh and it may mean that we are left out, but we as Christians are called to be different. If that means I have to quit my job and pursue employment at another location, I think I can do that.
God bless you in all you do.
This combined with some movies and books that have recently come out have me questioning how comfortable we have become with all the junk around us. As you may know, my husband, Chris, is the intern with the youth group at our church. On Wednesdays, we split the youth group based on gender. The female intern, Kim, in leading a study on the book "Lies Young Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh. It has some pretty radical opinions that may offend some people, but is backed by research and Bible knowledge. (Keep in mind that this book is the opinion of the two authors and not scripture) Some of these "lies" are things like "God isn't enough" and "Beautiful girls are worth more" which I feel are obvious lies.
However, one of the sections says "I've never been exposed to satanic activities". It delves into what are satanic activities (witchcraft, possessions, demonic activities, contacting the dead, ect.). I think the most important thing for young women to realize is that when we see sin in a good light, it makes us numb to it. It can even start to seem okay, not good, but okay. After all, the world tells us that we have no right to tell others what is wrong or right.
I read a fictional book called "Host" by Stephanie Meyer. It is about aliens taking over the world because they saw how horrible humans treated each other and the world. At one point the humans rise up and try to extract the aliens from their human host bodies, but it goes horribly wrong and the alien self destructs all over the hospital room. Another alien sees the aftermath and is devastated for days on end. Someone comments on how upset she seems until they realize that she has never see anything remotely that horrible. One of the other humans says something along the lines of "Think about it this way. Even if you saw a person in pieces it would be easier. After all, we have at least seen it on movies and games."
This is what I worry about. When we see fake sin and think that it is okay to watch it, we run the risk of seeing real sin and thinking it is okay. From there it is a short jump to actually enjoying "the sin that so easily entangles". It comes down to one thing. We must keep our minds and hearts pure. If it doesn't benefit our marriages, friendships, and, most importantly, our relationships with our Lord. We don't need to participate in it. It may be harsh and it may mean that we are left out, but we as Christians are called to be different. If that means I have to quit my job and pursue employment at another location, I think I can do that.
God bless you in all you do.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Six Flags Extravaganza
So my husband is the youth intern at our church this summer and job number one for him (and me) was chaperoning the annual Jr. High six flags trip. There were 9 girls, 9 boys, and 6 adults to keep them under control. (Yes, you can laugh now) All the kids were between the ages of twelve and fifteen. This was a great group. We didn't really have any "trouble children" and they were young enough that, although they were starting to like the opposite sex, most weren't confident enough to do anything about it.
The plan was for all of us to load up into two church vans and drive almost seven hours to Arlington TX on Monday. Monday night we would go to the mall, Tuesday we would spend the day at Six Flags Over Texas, and Wednesday we would go to a nearby water park called NH2O and then drive back home. I knew it was going to be a little crazy but felt up to the task.
When Chris and I arrived at the church at 8 on Monday morning, we discovered that the kids had naturally formed a girls' van and a guys' van. The girls' van also had three adults: a married couple who had a daughter on the trip and a lady who was there with her son and daughter. This arrangement meant that my husband and I would be riding with the youth minister in the guys' van. Not bad, right?
The trip down was uneventful. No major mishaps or out of control boys. (Praise the Lord for that because Jr. High is not the age group with which I feel most comfortable) Once we got to Arlington, we ate supper and went to the mall where, much to Chris' dismay, we spent the next three hours. The girls spent a lot of time shopping (one girl even claimed she got a good deal on everything she bought through sales) and the guys spent a lot of time ice skating (I was jealous) or spending big bucks on personalized baseball hats. We went home and still had enough time to swim. That was were I met Lacey.
Lacey is a young girl with special needs and quite possibly the sweetest, most kind-hearted girl I have ever met. I was in the pool swimming/baby sitting when all of a sudden I hear, "Hey! Hey!" I looked around and saw a blonde that I knew was with us but I hadn't met. I knew her name was Lacey but didn't know anything else. "Come here," she ordered me. As soon as I was close she grabbed my name and started talking and playing with me. It was immediately clear that she wasn't as far along developmentally as the other students but that didn't stop her from trying everything that they did. Throughout the trip, she was a joy. She always seemed to have a few people that she would latch onto. Some of the girls on the trip knew her from school and knew she wasn't like them. She also seemed to really like one of our boys who is a great leader and has a kind spirit. She even brought out the best in some of our kids who tend to be a little rough around the edges.
My favorite part of the whole weekend was watching Lacey interact with the other children. They were very careful with what they said and how they behaved. It was amazing. No one fought around Lacey, much less made fun of her. They took care of her as if she was a little child. They were gentle and helpful and truly made her trip a great one. At one point and time, I looked around the water park as the other kids included Lacey into a game they were playing in the wave pool and thought, "Thank you God that this is the future of your church. These kids have learned what some adults haven't. They have learned what kindness can mean to a person. They learned to put someone else's needs and wants ahead of their own." I hope that this trip will be one of the best memories for Lacey, but more importantly, I hope that our youth group can remember how great it felt to help make those memories for her.
The plan was for all of us to load up into two church vans and drive almost seven hours to Arlington TX on Monday. Monday night we would go to the mall, Tuesday we would spend the day at Six Flags Over Texas, and Wednesday we would go to a nearby water park called NH2O and then drive back home. I knew it was going to be a little crazy but felt up to the task.
When Chris and I arrived at the church at 8 on Monday morning, we discovered that the kids had naturally formed a girls' van and a guys' van. The girls' van also had three adults: a married couple who had a daughter on the trip and a lady who was there with her son and daughter. This arrangement meant that my husband and I would be riding with the youth minister in the guys' van. Not bad, right?
The trip down was uneventful. No major mishaps or out of control boys. (Praise the Lord for that because Jr. High is not the age group with which I feel most comfortable) Once we got to Arlington, we ate supper and went to the mall where, much to Chris' dismay, we spent the next three hours. The girls spent a lot of time shopping (one girl even claimed she got a good deal on everything she bought through sales) and the guys spent a lot of time ice skating (I was jealous) or spending big bucks on personalized baseball hats. We went home and still had enough time to swim. That was were I met Lacey.
Lacey is a young girl with special needs and quite possibly the sweetest, most kind-hearted girl I have ever met. I was in the pool swimming/baby sitting when all of a sudden I hear, "Hey! Hey!" I looked around and saw a blonde that I knew was with us but I hadn't met. I knew her name was Lacey but didn't know anything else. "Come here," she ordered me. As soon as I was close she grabbed my name and started talking and playing with me. It was immediately clear that she wasn't as far along developmentally as the other students but that didn't stop her from trying everything that they did. Throughout the trip, she was a joy. She always seemed to have a few people that she would latch onto. Some of the girls on the trip knew her from school and knew she wasn't like them. She also seemed to really like one of our boys who is a great leader and has a kind spirit. She even brought out the best in some of our kids who tend to be a little rough around the edges.
My favorite part of the whole weekend was watching Lacey interact with the other children. They were very careful with what they said and how they behaved. It was amazing. No one fought around Lacey, much less made fun of her. They took care of her as if she was a little child. They were gentle and helpful and truly made her trip a great one. At one point and time, I looked around the water park as the other kids included Lacey into a game they were playing in the wave pool and thought, "Thank you God that this is the future of your church. These kids have learned what some adults haven't. They have learned what kindness can mean to a person. They learned to put someone else's needs and wants ahead of their own." I hope that this trip will be one of the best memories for Lacey, but more importantly, I hope that our youth group can remember how great it felt to help make those memories for her.
Friday, May 18, 2012
My Favorite People
This weekend I get to spend time with some of my favorite people in the whole world: my mom and dad. For those of you who didn't know, I kind of have the best parents ever. My mom is a middle school math teacher and my dad works for the Farm Service Agency.
My parents got married almost thirty years ago and are still going strong. They met at West Texas A&M University, the same school were I got my degree. They got married in the chapel on campus. I used to love to go inside the chapel, which was right outside my dorm room, and think about how my whole future began there. My mom and dad are gross. We are talking PDA gross. (that's Public Displays of Affection not Personal Digital Assistant) I have even had other people comment on how "sweet" they are. Don't get me wrong, I am really glad that my parents are in love. They have been a great example for me and my sisters.
I remember one time while I was in high school, my mom and I got into a fight. I don't even remember what we were arguing about. All I remember is I was convinced I was right and she wasn't listening to my side. Normally, my mom and I both prefer to ignore problems rather than deal with conflict. Like I said, I don't remember why this was so different. I had just raised my voice to yell over my mom so that she would have to HEAR me when my dad comes home. He looks from me to my mom back to me and says "Go to your room now." I think I said something like, "But Dad you don't understand." However, I do remember what my dad said and probably will for the rest of my life. He said, "I don't care. In this house, your mom is queen and she will be treated like a queen." At the time, I was furious, but, after I went to my room and pouted, I realized that my dad would always defend my mom. That kind of devotion was astounding to me and I knew that when I looked for a husband I wanted someone who would stand by me like that.
Mom and I are a lot alike. Dad says we are carbon copies but that isn't entirely true. I'm more emotional. Other than that, we are alike. We think alike. It makes us a great team in games like 42. We were both married young and both enjoy teaching and working with kids. We also both know that nothing is better after a hard day than swimming laps in a swimming pool. My mom is my rock. She is brave and confident and always reminds me that everything will be okay and I don't have to be perfect. (Even though I really, REALLY want to be)
If my mom is my rock, my dad is the soft spot I land. He gives the best hugs. Anytime I am with him I'm attached like a little tick. As long as I can remember my favorite spot has been in my daddy's lap. He still holds me anytime I am home. When we were younger, Daddy would take my sisters and me camping, just us and Daddy. He would take us fishing and help us fix supper. I loved making him smile with the way I "fish". (throw the hook out there, put the pole down, go talk to all the other people who were fishing and if the pole moved by the time I got back, I had a fish) I think it probably drove him nuts, but he let me be me.
Needless to say, all you people who thought your parents were the best were wrong. I win and I can't wait to see them tomorrow!!!!! XOXO to all of you!
My parents got married almost thirty years ago and are still going strong. They met at West Texas A&M University, the same school were I got my degree. They got married in the chapel on campus. I used to love to go inside the chapel, which was right outside my dorm room, and think about how my whole future began there. My mom and dad are gross. We are talking PDA gross. (that's Public Displays of Affection not Personal Digital Assistant) I have even had other people comment on how "sweet" they are. Don't get me wrong, I am really glad that my parents are in love. They have been a great example for me and my sisters.
I remember one time while I was in high school, my mom and I got into a fight. I don't even remember what we were arguing about. All I remember is I was convinced I was right and she wasn't listening to my side. Normally, my mom and I both prefer to ignore problems rather than deal with conflict. Like I said, I don't remember why this was so different. I had just raised my voice to yell over my mom so that she would have to HEAR me when my dad comes home. He looks from me to my mom back to me and says "Go to your room now." I think I said something like, "But Dad you don't understand." However, I do remember what my dad said and probably will for the rest of my life. He said, "I don't care. In this house, your mom is queen and she will be treated like a queen." At the time, I was furious, but, after I went to my room and pouted, I realized that my dad would always defend my mom. That kind of devotion was astounding to me and I knew that when I looked for a husband I wanted someone who would stand by me like that.
Mom and I are a lot alike. Dad says we are carbon copies but that isn't entirely true. I'm more emotional. Other than that, we are alike. We think alike. It makes us a great team in games like 42. We were both married young and both enjoy teaching and working with kids. We also both know that nothing is better after a hard day than swimming laps in a swimming pool. My mom is my rock. She is brave and confident and always reminds me that everything will be okay and I don't have to be perfect. (Even though I really, REALLY want to be)
If my mom is my rock, my dad is the soft spot I land. He gives the best hugs. Anytime I am with him I'm attached like a little tick. As long as I can remember my favorite spot has been in my daddy's lap. He still holds me anytime I am home. When we were younger, Daddy would take my sisters and me camping, just us and Daddy. He would take us fishing and help us fix supper. I loved making him smile with the way I "fish". (throw the hook out there, put the pole down, go talk to all the other people who were fishing and if the pole moved by the time I got back, I had a fish) I think it probably drove him nuts, but he let me be me.
Needless to say, all you people who thought your parents were the best were wrong. I win and I can't wait to see them tomorrow!!!!! XOXO to all of you!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Happy Birthday to Me
Am I the only one who treats their birthday like most people treat New Year's? I spend the whole day thinking about where I am and where I thought I would be when I turned... My conclusion this year? Even though I am super blessed to be where I am, with the people I am with, I am not where I hoped to be.
I have been saying that for as long as I can remember that if I could wake up at any age, I would ant to be married, twenty-one, and pregnant. On my twenty-second birthday, I woke up and realized I would never be twenty-one and pregnant. Some of you reading this may think I'm crazy for focusing on this. After all I am only twenty-two. It is not like I'm an old lady who has missed her opportunity to have babies, but it still kind of hurts. My life is not where I thought it would be. I want to feel a baby move inside me. I want to know that our baby has a piece of me and a piece of my amazing husband. I want to see my parents and my husband's mom as grandparents.
I still have hope. I still think I am suppose to be a mom and I really do believe that my God is all powerful and has the ability and the desire to grant this wish. I meant what I said earlier. I know how truly blessed I am. Not only do I have an amazing family; my husband has an amazing family. My husband loves me and my dogs are super sweet. And, by the way, have you seen my house? It is huge and beautiful and will be our home (God willing) for a long, long time.
So why is it so easy to become Little Miss Mopey? I guess deep inside I am just a little girl throwing a temper tantrum just like when I wanted to keep the kitten I found while riding my bike. I was about seven and had wanted a kitten for my whole life. (not an exaggeration) I was riding my bike and this kitten kept following me in the street. It almost got hit by a car. So I picked it up and brought it home, but my parents wouldn't let me keep it. I threw a fit similar to the one that I throw when I think about how much I want to be pregnant.
I am so grateful for all of the love and support that all of my friends and family have given me. I promise to try to limit my temper tantrums to a minimum. You guys are the best and I am so blessed to have you.
Love, Me
I have been saying that for as long as I can remember that if I could wake up at any age, I would ant to be married, twenty-one, and pregnant. On my twenty-second birthday, I woke up and realized I would never be twenty-one and pregnant. Some of you reading this may think I'm crazy for focusing on this. After all I am only twenty-two. It is not like I'm an old lady who has missed her opportunity to have babies, but it still kind of hurts. My life is not where I thought it would be. I want to feel a baby move inside me. I want to know that our baby has a piece of me and a piece of my amazing husband. I want to see my parents and my husband's mom as grandparents.
I still have hope. I still think I am suppose to be a mom and I really do believe that my God is all powerful and has the ability and the desire to grant this wish. I meant what I said earlier. I know how truly blessed I am. Not only do I have an amazing family; my husband has an amazing family. My husband loves me and my dogs are super sweet. And, by the way, have you seen my house? It is huge and beautiful and will be our home (God willing) for a long, long time.
So why is it so easy to become Little Miss Mopey? I guess deep inside I am just a little girl throwing a temper tantrum just like when I wanted to keep the kitten I found while riding my bike. I was about seven and had wanted a kitten for my whole life. (not an exaggeration) I was riding my bike and this kitten kept following me in the street. It almost got hit by a car. So I picked it up and brought it home, but my parents wouldn't let me keep it. I threw a fit similar to the one that I throw when I think about how much I want to be pregnant.
I am so grateful for all of the love and support that all of my friends and family have given me. I promise to try to limit my temper tantrums to a minimum. You guys are the best and I am so blessed to have you.
Love, Me
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Growing little by little
I have been dreading taking a pregnancy test for three weeks. I hate seeing that negative sign come up. It feels like I have failed. This morning I caved and took one, partly, because I needed to know and, partly, because I am ready to try something else if my past medications haven't worked. It was negative. I knew it probably would be despite the exhaustion and nausea. Something in my heart told me that the medication wouldn't work.
The weird thing was this time I was okay with it. I wasn't happy. I want a baby more than anything, but I was ok. I didn't cry and I wasn't devastated. It meant that I was free to try something else. I know that I may never have the family I want. I also know that any day could be the day that I get those two lines on the home pregnancy test. Right now, I am not pregnant. So the best thing I can do is focus on what I am. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a teacher. Those things need my attention. My chiropractor is a very wise man. He said something that I have heard hundreds of times but in a different way. My PCOS is aggravated by stress. Dr. K said that once I accept the role that God has given me right now, as a wife, a sister, a friend, that my body will allow me to get pregnant. The good news is, I think, my reaction another negative test is a sign that I am getting to that point. I have begun seeing the bright side to the negative tests. It means I have more time to spend with my husband. It means I have more time to prepare financially for a family. It has to be a good sign right?
I refuse to give up though. I'm too stubborn for that. I am now starting a combination of herbs that have been shown to help regulate cycles on women with PCOS. My chiropractor recommended it and I am praying that it helps. For now, that is all I can do. I will love my husband, the kids I encounter through my job, and the children of our friends. I will never stop praying for children. I will never stop trying. I can't; I will wait on the Lord and trust in his timing like Hannah. (1 Samuel) His timing is perfect and always will be.
The weird thing was this time I was okay with it. I wasn't happy. I want a baby more than anything, but I was ok. I didn't cry and I wasn't devastated. It meant that I was free to try something else. I know that I may never have the family I want. I also know that any day could be the day that I get those two lines on the home pregnancy test. Right now, I am not pregnant. So the best thing I can do is focus on what I am. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a teacher. Those things need my attention. My chiropractor is a very wise man. He said something that I have heard hundreds of times but in a different way. My PCOS is aggravated by stress. Dr. K said that once I accept the role that God has given me right now, as a wife, a sister, a friend, that my body will allow me to get pregnant. The good news is, I think, my reaction another negative test is a sign that I am getting to that point. I have begun seeing the bright side to the negative tests. It means I have more time to spend with my husband. It means I have more time to prepare financially for a family. It has to be a good sign right?
I refuse to give up though. I'm too stubborn for that. I am now starting a combination of herbs that have been shown to help regulate cycles on women with PCOS. My chiropractor recommended it and I am praying that it helps. For now, that is all I can do. I will love my husband, the kids I encounter through my job, and the children of our friends. I will never stop praying for children. I will never stop trying. I can't; I will wait on the Lord and trust in his timing like Hannah. (1 Samuel) His timing is perfect and always will be.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
True Love
A few days ago, my oldest sister, Cori, married the love of her life. I have been a little hesitant of this marriage. It is not personal. I have just always felt like no one would ever be good enough for either of my sisters. That being said, I think Ward, Cori's new husband, is pretty close. Cori is six years older than I am and has watched both of her younger sisters get married before her. I know this was hard and love and respect her more than anything.
I am still scared but mostly, I am scared I might lose the close relationship that I had with her. Almost four years ago, my middle sister Kimberly married her husband Andrew and they moved ten hours away. I have been assured that Cori is going no where. However, I would be lying if I said that the memory of Kimberly leaving didn't play a part in my feelings about Cori and Ward. I start "What if"ing. What if Cori moves away? What if things don't work the way Cori hopes they will? What if things do? What if Cori doesn't need me anymore?
I was nervous about Cori getting married up until the doors opened at the back of the church. Once those doors opened, I knew everything would be OK. I don't think there was a dry eye in the whole place. Cori was beautiful and Ward couldn't take his eyes off of her. While writing this I am getting teary. My sister is one of the most special people in my life and I am so glad she has found someone who makes her glow. Ultimately, God has brought someone into my sister's life who will love and cherish her like I have always wanted her to be loved. God has once again proven that when I back off and let him control all situations, they work out. It is not always in the timing that we want or in the ways we imagine, but they do work. Isn't my Lord amazing? He loves my sister more than I do and has taken care of her like I never could. Praise God from whom all blessing flow and may Cori and Ward have a long and blessed marriage.
I am still scared but mostly, I am scared I might lose the close relationship that I had with her. Almost four years ago, my middle sister Kimberly married her husband Andrew and they moved ten hours away. I have been assured that Cori is going no where. However, I would be lying if I said that the memory of Kimberly leaving didn't play a part in my feelings about Cori and Ward. I start "What if"ing. What if Cori moves away? What if things don't work the way Cori hopes they will? What if things do? What if Cori doesn't need me anymore?
I was nervous about Cori getting married up until the doors opened at the back of the church. Once those doors opened, I knew everything would be OK. I don't think there was a dry eye in the whole place. Cori was beautiful and Ward couldn't take his eyes off of her. While writing this I am getting teary. My sister is one of the most special people in my life and I am so glad she has found someone who makes her glow. Ultimately, God has brought someone into my sister's life who will love and cherish her like I have always wanted her to be loved. God has once again proven that when I back off and let him control all situations, they work out. It is not always in the timing that we want or in the ways we imagine, but they do work. Isn't my Lord amazing? He loves my sister more than I do and has taken care of her like I never could. Praise God from whom all blessing flow and may Cori and Ward have a long and blessed marriage.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Confession
I was reading an amazing book the other night by Lori Wick (an amazing Christian Fiction writer) called The Princess. I have read this book multiple times but haven't read it in a while. There is one section where the female lead says something along the lines of "That's when I realized that worrying is a sin. Worrying is like saying 'I don't trust you with this, God'." At first that made me really angry. I have an anxiety disorder and OCD. How can I be blamed for that? And then I started to think about the difference between depression and a pity party. A lot of people think that depression is just feeling sad. Not true. The only way I can think to explain it is as a physical reaction to external/internal circumstances. Just like there is a difference between depression and sadness, there is a difference between anxiety and worrying.
Anxiety, like depression, is a physical reaction. It is heart racing, palms sweating, and high blood-pressure. Worrying is allowing yourself to spend thoughts and energy on something you can't control. That is when I realized that I have been using my anxiety and OCD as an excuse to worry. I don't trust God with the things I worry about. That is not ok.
I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself and everyone around me that although I may not be perfect, I am pretty darn close. I look around and say at least I don't do this and this or at least I haven't done that. The truth is I am a sinner. I sin on a regular business and it is not ok for me to over look that or make excuses.
It is time for me to make a conscious effort to put a stop to my judgemental attitude and not trusting God with those really important things. I also need to apologize for not being the Christian woman that I should be. Hopefully, things will get better and I will see a positive change myself. Maybe I will start blooming like the flowers in my garden.
Anxiety, like depression, is a physical reaction. It is heart racing, palms sweating, and high blood-pressure. Worrying is allowing yourself to spend thoughts and energy on something you can't control. That is when I realized that I have been using my anxiety and OCD as an excuse to worry. I don't trust God with the things I worry about. That is not ok.
I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself and everyone around me that although I may not be perfect, I am pretty darn close. I look around and say at least I don't do this and this or at least I haven't done that. The truth is I am a sinner. I sin on a regular business and it is not ok for me to over look that or make excuses.
It is time for me to make a conscious effort to put a stop to my judgemental attitude and not trusting God with those really important things. I also need to apologize for not being the Christian woman that I should be. Hopefully, things will get better and I will see a positive change myself. Maybe I will start blooming like the flowers in my garden.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thinking about the past
In the midst of my anxiety, depression, OCD, and fertility problems, I find these rare moments of clarity. I had one of these the other night. I was laying in bed reading while my husband slept beside me. All of a sudden I started thinking about how I met Chris and how it had not been my plan.
The first time I met him (well, not the first time because I don't actually remember the FIRST time) was on our way to Memphis TN for a mission trip. It was with the Church of Christ Student Center at WTAMU. Chris had actually already graduated and came back because his best friend was going to do some electrical work on the mission trip. I was originally really excited to go, but then I found out that of the few close friends I had, none of them were going. The week before the trip I called my mom to tell her I didn't think I wanted to go. She talked me into it, saying I would have fun and it would be good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I really like my comfort zone but decided maybe she was right. (She usually is)
So I went on this mission trip to a place without anyone who really knew me. On top of that my boyfriend at the time (my high school sweetheart) was also on a mission trip to an Indian Reservation, so I couldn't talk to him. I was dreading this trip. I showed up at the Student Center early in the morning and there was this tall guy hanging around. The first thing I noticed was his striking blue eyes. Everyone seemed to know him except me. I found out that he was a math teacher at Brownfield TX. I was curious but nothing more. He rode on my bus and we listened to his music. The second thing I noticed was he actually listened to good music. He and some of his friends, including the driver, jammed out the whole way to Memphis and I actually didn't mind.
When we got to Memphis, we had two projects: a renovation on a church building and a Vacation Bible School for the inner city kids. Chris and I had both originally signed up to work with the VBS. The first day I was put with a group of students working on memory verses. Chris was a leader in the group and helped them get from station to station. We were serving lunch after VBS when Chris walked up to me. "What are you majoring in?" he asked. I told him that I had actually just changed my major from broadcasting to education. "Good.You are going to be good at it." The way he said it sent a warm feeling up my back.
I decided then that I didn't like him. Who was he to think I needed his approval on anything much less my career choice? Sure he was cute but I was not single and he obviously knew how good looking he was. This thought was further confirmed when I caught him and Matt, his best friend, teasing me about being bubbly and eager to please. I decided they were both jerks and I didn't need anything to do with them.
I laugh thinking about it now. I think about how angry I was with my future husband and his best friends. (I now know that his friends would do anything for us and I am so glad that Chris has them) Eight months later Chris and I got engaged. I am so glad I went on that mission trip. I knew God was going to do something amazing but I never imagined he would bring me the love of my life. Beautiful things happen when you let God take control.
The first time I met him (well, not the first time because I don't actually remember the FIRST time) was on our way to Memphis TN for a mission trip. It was with the Church of Christ Student Center at WTAMU. Chris had actually already graduated and came back because his best friend was going to do some electrical work on the mission trip. I was originally really excited to go, but then I found out that of the few close friends I had, none of them were going. The week before the trip I called my mom to tell her I didn't think I wanted to go. She talked me into it, saying I would have fun and it would be good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I really like my comfort zone but decided maybe she was right. (She usually is)
So I went on this mission trip to a place without anyone who really knew me. On top of that my boyfriend at the time (my high school sweetheart) was also on a mission trip to an Indian Reservation, so I couldn't talk to him. I was dreading this trip. I showed up at the Student Center early in the morning and there was this tall guy hanging around. The first thing I noticed was his striking blue eyes. Everyone seemed to know him except me. I found out that he was a math teacher at Brownfield TX. I was curious but nothing more. He rode on my bus and we listened to his music. The second thing I noticed was he actually listened to good music. He and some of his friends, including the driver, jammed out the whole way to Memphis and I actually didn't mind.
When we got to Memphis, we had two projects: a renovation on a church building and a Vacation Bible School for the inner city kids. Chris and I had both originally signed up to work with the VBS. The first day I was put with a group of students working on memory verses. Chris was a leader in the group and helped them get from station to station. We were serving lunch after VBS when Chris walked up to me. "What are you majoring in?" he asked. I told him that I had actually just changed my major from broadcasting to education. "Good.You are going to be good at it." The way he said it sent a warm feeling up my back.
I decided then that I didn't like him. Who was he to think I needed his approval on anything much less my career choice? Sure he was cute but I was not single and he obviously knew how good looking he was. This thought was further confirmed when I caught him and Matt, his best friend, teasing me about being bubbly and eager to please. I decided they were both jerks and I didn't need anything to do with them.
I laugh thinking about it now. I think about how angry I was with my future husband and his best friends. (I now know that his friends would do anything for us and I am so glad that Chris has them) Eight months later Chris and I got engaged. I am so glad I went on that mission trip. I knew God was going to do something amazing but I never imagined he would bring me the love of my life. Beautiful things happen when you let God take control.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Fears and uncertainty
For those of you who didn't know, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. This means that my body produces too much testosterone. This leads to cysts on my ovaries among other symptoms. It also makes it really hard to get pregnant. For my whole life, all I have ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. My husband and I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant for almost a year. I have undergone numerous tests and am fixing to start a second round of progesterone/clomid. If this cycle doesn't work, I had either two choices; I could go throught the fertility clinic at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office or I could try to use alternative treatment including herbal remedies and chiropractic care. I have decided to go with the second option since it makes more financial sense.
My biggest fear is that when people find out that I am having to seek fertility treatments, they will say that this is a sign from God that I am not meant to have children. Believe it or not, it has happened multiple times. It is always devistating. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will be a mom. I know the statistics. Trust me, I have done tons of research. The problem is, so far, I have been in the minority of all of these stats. Only ten percent of the population has PCOS. Out of those eighty percent end up with children. So my question is: What if I am part of that twenty percent?
God is in control. I am not, but I would really like to be in control. I recently substituted at an alternative high school and heard stories of students who had miscarried two or three times because of drugs and were pregnant again. Why? I would protect my child as if my life depended on it. These girls are young. It is so difficult for them because they are just children themselves. Many times they don't have a great support system or the financial capabilities to take care of a baby. I do. So why can't I get pregant?
My chiropractor thinks it is due to stress and maybe he is right. He says that the young kids in the back of a car and the poverty stricken families don't have as much social, occupational, and educational pressure. I have prayed so many times for this child and still am infertile. The only comfort I have found is with my husband and in the stories from the bible. You know, Rachael, Hannah, and Elizabeth. I pray for the miracles that God has shown are possible for me too. I guess I will not know until it happens. I was telling my sister that it is like when women are looking for "the one" and get frustrated. But in reality, every person they date will not be "the one" until one is "the one". Every month I will see a negative pregnancy test until one month I don't. Until then, God is still in control.
My biggest fear is that when people find out that I am having to seek fertility treatments, they will say that this is a sign from God that I am not meant to have children. Believe it or not, it has happened multiple times. It is always devistating. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will be a mom. I know the statistics. Trust me, I have done tons of research. The problem is, so far, I have been in the minority of all of these stats. Only ten percent of the population has PCOS. Out of those eighty percent end up with children. So my question is: What if I am part of that twenty percent?
God is in control. I am not, but I would really like to be in control. I recently substituted at an alternative high school and heard stories of students who had miscarried two or three times because of drugs and were pregnant again. Why? I would protect my child as if my life depended on it. These girls are young. It is so difficult for them because they are just children themselves. Many times they don't have a great support system or the financial capabilities to take care of a baby. I do. So why can't I get pregant?
My chiropractor thinks it is due to stress and maybe he is right. He says that the young kids in the back of a car and the poverty stricken families don't have as much social, occupational, and educational pressure. I have prayed so many times for this child and still am infertile. The only comfort I have found is with my husband and in the stories from the bible. You know, Rachael, Hannah, and Elizabeth. I pray for the miracles that God has shown are possible for me too. I guess I will not know until it happens. I was telling my sister that it is like when women are looking for "the one" and get frustrated. But in reality, every person they date will not be "the one" until one is "the one". Every month I will see a negative pregnancy test until one month I don't. Until then, God is still in control.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Long and Scary Night
I wasn't expecting to meet any firemen yesterday. I wasn't expecting to be standing outside in the cold at nine at night. I definately wasn't expecting to be so out of control. Last night my husband, Chris, and I were sitting on our couch after supper (Crock pot ranch pork chops. Thank you pinterest) when I started to smell something like gasoline. I asked Chris if he smelled it but he didn't. I think he probably thought I was crazy, but I was definately smelling something. Ten minutes later we heard, "WARNING! CARBON MONOXIDE IS IN THE HOUSE! WARNING!"
Instant panic on my part. We opened the door and I called my cousin, Kirk, who is a volunteer fireman and asked him what to do. He said to call 911. WHAT??? I had never called 911 and was not planning on starting. Aparently, God had other plans. So at 9:30 the fire department came down the street with the lights on. Sorry neighbors. Meanwhile, I was crying in the cold pickup truck while talking to my mom.
Not my best moment but definately a learning one. I was so terrified that I would have to pay to fix the furnace and be homeless for a few days and no one would be home to check on the dogs. *Hyperventilating* I had no idea what was going to happen. All I knew was there were people walking around my not very clean house, touching my things, and I did not sign up for it.
Once again things were not as bad as they seemed at the time. They seldomly are. Turns out there was a little lid on our furnace in the hallway. With the door on, it creates suction which pulls the carbon monoxide and natural gas up out of the house; when that door is not off, like last night, all the bad stuff is pushed into the house. The solution: Put the lid back on. Open up all the windows and doors. Pray that the levels go down and stay down. It worked. Once again everything turned out fine and Chris and I are stronger for it. Was it fun? Of course not. Did it all turn out ok? Of course it did. Another way God helped to remind me that he is in control even when I am not.
*Kaylee*
Instant panic on my part. We opened the door and I called my cousin, Kirk, who is a volunteer fireman and asked him what to do. He said to call 911. WHAT??? I had never called 911 and was not planning on starting. Aparently, God had other plans. So at 9:30 the fire department came down the street with the lights on. Sorry neighbors. Meanwhile, I was crying in the cold pickup truck while talking to my mom.
Not my best moment but definately a learning one. I was so terrified that I would have to pay to fix the furnace and be homeless for a few days and no one would be home to check on the dogs. *Hyperventilating* I had no idea what was going to happen. All I knew was there were people walking around my not very clean house, touching my things, and I did not sign up for it.
Once again things were not as bad as they seemed at the time. They seldomly are. Turns out there was a little lid on our furnace in the hallway. With the door on, it creates suction which pulls the carbon monoxide and natural gas up out of the house; when that door is not off, like last night, all the bad stuff is pushed into the house. The solution: Put the lid back on. Open up all the windows and doors. Pray that the levels go down and stay down. It worked. Once again everything turned out fine and Chris and I are stronger for it. Was it fun? Of course not. Did it all turn out ok? Of course it did. Another way God helped to remind me that he is in control even when I am not.
*Kaylee*
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Controlling the Uncontrollable
Today I took my BTLPT (that is bilingual target language proficiency test for those of you who didn't know *I didn't at first*) My college degree is in bilingual education but I can't actually teach in a Spanish bilingual classroom until after I get certified. That entails passing three different tests. I have passed one. This test has 4 parts and to pass I have to get 80% on each section. There is no way I passed. I think I did well on the listening, reading, and writing parts, but I don't think I did well on the speaking part. Normally, I would be really upset about this, but I am feeling really peaceful actually. I realize that I did what I could do and the rest is up to God.
Last night was a totally different story though. I was still awake at midnight due to my anxiety and OCD. You see, when I get nervous about something it manifests itself in my OCD symptoms, mostly by checking on my three dogs every few minutes obsessively to make sure they haven't gotten out. So guess what I was doing when I should have been sleeping? Worrying and checking. I conciously know that it is silly. My checking on them is just a way that I try to have control over something when I feel out of control, but I do it anyway. That feeling is what gave me the inspiration for this blog. I struggle with remembering that although I am out of control, my God is always in control.
I was reminded of this again as I was leaving the parking lot to go to my testing room. I ran into a man that I know from church. I told him how nervous I was and he took my hand and prayed with me. It was so comforting. I felt closer to God in that moment than I have in months. Hope this lifts you up too.
Out of Control and Loving it for Once
*Kaylee*
Last night was a totally different story though. I was still awake at midnight due to my anxiety and OCD. You see, when I get nervous about something it manifests itself in my OCD symptoms, mostly by checking on my three dogs every few minutes obsessively to make sure they haven't gotten out. So guess what I was doing when I should have been sleeping? Worrying and checking. I conciously know that it is silly. My checking on them is just a way that I try to have control over something when I feel out of control, but I do it anyway. That feeling is what gave me the inspiration for this blog. I struggle with remembering that although I am out of control, my God is always in control.
I was reminded of this again as I was leaving the parking lot to go to my testing room. I ran into a man that I know from church. I told him how nervous I was and he took my hand and prayed with me. It was so comforting. I felt closer to God in that moment than I have in months. Hope this lifts you up too.
Out of Control and Loving it for Once
*Kaylee*
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)